I found this on my phone from the first month of my pregnancy with Wallis, I had forgotten about it and at that time, I had no idea I was even pregnant with a girl but I had a feeling. Now with two daughters it stands even more so in my mind, so I thought I would share it here.
In the beginning you’re going to love everything about yourself and your place in this world. You’re going to feel free with your scraped knees and wild hair. You’re going to make mud pies, save birds, pick wild flowers and spy on your neighbors all while escaping through the most colorful of minds. You’ll never feel weak because you’ll watch me and see that I am strong and feel my strength running through you, so you’ll be brave and face the day with burning eyes and pure unhindered joy. I will marvel at what it must feel like to be this wee girl.
But then something will happen. It might be as early as your first day of school or it could take time to build, a combination of moments…maybe you were excluded by someone you thought was your friend, maybe someone made fun of your nose, maybe you saw a commercial or magazine cover of a woman that made you look at your body differently…all this will begin to narrow your eyes my loves and one day you’re not feeling as brave or free as you once did.
You’ve forgotten how to look to those that love you for strength and are relying on the approval of strangers. You’re no longer saving birds instead you’re wasting your days wishing your thighs were smaller, your chest bigger, your hair shinier, your face prettier…and that joy that threatened the storms away is dwindling inside a mind once beating with expectation, now trembling with misconceptions. I will recognize this girl and I will remember what it felt to lose my own sight.
But I am here to tell you now, that I have overcome all of this so that you might remain longer, so that you might focus harder, so that you might refrain from the jagged mountains of self hatred.
None of it matters my loves, for the gift of this life is drenched in who you are, your kindness, your desire to learn, your fierce opposition to what is wrong and doing the right thing, even if it is for those that have made you feel poorly – because the reward of a life spent developing your heart will be rich my loves.
When the weakness of self focus begins to take hold, remember to look at me like you did when you were small, remember that my strength runs through you still and oh sweet baby girls, how much more you’ll love.
You are my heart,
Mama, mommy, mom